drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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