ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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