How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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