Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
