You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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