well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
