I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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