you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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