I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
