Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
