I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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