My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
