Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
