TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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