I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
