good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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