her vagina looked like bernie madoff
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
