Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
