I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
