I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's shark week go big or go home
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
