I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
