i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
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I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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