I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
soo... how was my night?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
