Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All the doctor said was why
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
