I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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