I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
