dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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