haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
