the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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