White coat. Heels.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
this hospital has no fireball
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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