After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
