I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i dont even know how to be here
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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