this boner is exhausting
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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