I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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