I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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