So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think pants incapable of making pants work
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
