probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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