my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
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Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
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I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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