Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
