I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
