I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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