At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
