just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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