I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
