thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
