those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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