I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
