and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
