dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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