There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
