I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just want to make out with him forever
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
