I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
