Can i not drive my cunt home
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
