i can't believe i had my finger in that
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
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he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
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It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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