she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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