Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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