I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
